All the commands

Leviticus 26:14 says, "Listen to me and carry out all these commands." This is Israel's side of the covenant. This line comes while God is explaining, if you keep the commands, I will bless you, and if you break them, I will curse you. The choice is up to Israel.

At first glance, it seems like "all" means that Israel would invoke the curse for breaking any one law. But the history shows that God held back his wrath for centuries, only unleashed the curse after years of idolatry. In fact, idolatry is God's most frequent grievance against his nation.

I wonder, what if idolatry, rather than just being God's particular issue, is the last straw? What if idolatry is the final stage of rebellion and disregard for God's law, sovereignty and love?

By not honoring the "least" of the laws, generation after generation took the law less and less seriously. They (we) mistook God's mercy for weakness, for inaction. As the serpent said, "you won't really die." Basically, we think God is a pushover.

Getting to work...

Ok Lord, here we go. Every time I do this, it is clearer and clearer that getting to work and leaning on you to do it means putting my flesh to death. At this early stage of the journey, it can seem to get a bit old and like it’s not doing anything. My focus is just to get through the project or assignment, and not on anything beyond. But even now, even this moment, I am realizing how good it is to die to the flesh, how even this mundane task can be used to make me more like Christ, that every time I do this, I do in fact bear fruit that lasts. It’s not the research itself that will last. That will pass away with heaven and earth. But this transformation, and the fruit that comes from this pruning, that will last. And I cannot do it without you, truly I cannot. You said so, and that is more than enough. But I also see it in my heart, that at best in my own power, pride and obligation would drive me forward, hardening my heart and benefiting no one. And the grace that tops it off like a cherry and whipped cream – your wisdom gives me insight, focus and creativity that I simply do not have on my own.
Therefore Lord, let us endeavor together. Help me bend my mind to this task, taking captive distracting and disobedient thoughts, lighting my path with clarity and wisdom and insight, amen.

November 13, 2009

I wrote this a while back in word, over several hours.

"Wow, Monday is now a blur. I suppose I have the notes here, somewhere. The pressure is lessened, and I have less direction, somehow (or more details to try to collect, or something). But really, when I feel no pressure, I want to enjoy the time, not work. Such is the sin nature. So normal, it doesn’t even seem wrong. Is it possible to delight in doing right, working hard, even in the mundane and routine? Just as it is possible, I’m pretty sure, to find God in the mundane and routine, I suspect it must be possible to find delight in this kind of work, or at least in doing right. It is possible, but it is also a definite putting to death of the sin nature, and taking up the Christ nature. Think about that a minute. Learning to delight in doing right and working hard is not something I can do on my own. Even those who find delight in doing right or working hard apart from Christ, have found some leisure or pride to drive them. This is not natural. So quit beating yourself up for not wanting to, for complaining, all of it. Just repent. Does repentance always have to come with deep contrition? Maybe it doesn’t? Interesting. Another day, another norm turned upside down.

"Let’s review: delighting in doing right and working hard is not normal or natural, it is holy and supernatural, and therefore requires Holy Spirit intervention.

"And I’m realizing – humility also means lightening loads, it is acknowledging “I can’t handle this” and letting God shoulder it.

"Wow.

"Am I finally ready to set food upon this road? Lord, I confess I don’t have willing hands or a focused mind or a controlled will. I don’t delight in doing what is right down at the “small” level, I don’t delight in a day’s work. And yes, I can think of scripture to support the worth of a day’s work. Ok. Please forgive me and help me overcome. I acknowledge that this overcoming may take longer than I would like, but even this lesson here leaves me more transformed now than when I woke up this morning.

"Where do I start? ...

"Like David after six steps – yay!!! One, I’m so glad you showed me a place to start. Two, I’m glad to find a willingness in my hands, a joy in obedience – you are answering my prayer. Let me not forget it, oh let me not forget it! Furthermore, this joy, this teaching and transforming is an answer to my prayer this morning, help me see you, help me love you. Amen.

...

"Oh, I finished the notes and didn’t even think about “what’s next.” I just unthinkingly awarded myself a break. Lord, I wandered off on my own again, ceased following and submitting. Please forgive me, bring me back. Thank you for your unfailing love and absolute forgiveness (which is wonderful no matter how many times I fall, more wonderful every time, in fact). Let’s get going again."

The Spirit and the Zombie

For a very long time I have known that my sin nature is something like a zombie. For every day that I confess, repent of, and put to death a sin, there is a tomorrow that it comes back to life again. If I don't kill the sin again, it only grows stronger, day after day, until my heart is cold to God and I'm a walking sin-zombie, not a new creation.

For an equally long time, I have been taught that I should have a daily quiet time. I resist this teaching as legalistic and prone to ritual dryness. If I do try it, I struggle with what to read, how to pray, and fitting it into my schedule, because the "typical" 20 minute quiet time is not really adequate. I'd rather have at least about hour, and sometimes two. I do not yet have the will to go to bed early enough to get up early enough so that I can have that hour or two without distraction at the beginning of my day.

I'm beginning to learn what it means to walk in the Spirit. I have encountered my need for him in very physical places, such as taking care of my health, getting homework done, relating to Josh (it amazes me, by the way, that these days I am encountering the Holy Spirit so much more in mundane physical things than I am in worship or theology). On several occasions, when my need is particularly acute, I have confessed my pride and lack of self-control, and then invited the Holy Spirit to take control, to lead and guide. I have been delighted and amazed by the wisdom and peace that flows on those days. I have discovered that walking with the Holy Spirit is more like taking off the auto-pilot and learning to really fly, though in my sin I fear it is the reverse.

And then I go to sleep, content and in peace. The next morning, I wake up, I can't feel my need, and in pride I forget that I need the Holy Spirit to deal with my sin, in my pride I refuse to surrender. Throughout the day, I remember that I am supposed to be walking in the Spirit, asking for his guidance, and I feel my heart rebel.

How can my mind remember the peace and wisdom and joy of walking with the Spirit and my heart so selfishly and pridefully rebel the very next day?!

Suddenly it clicked, the connection between my daily undead sin and daily taking up the cross. The connection between walking with the Spirit and some kind of daily quiet time. Maybe it is only the prayer of surrender, maybe it is more. I can't say what my daily quiet time will be, I haven't yet figured out how to avoid the ritual, so for now that's the plan. But every day I want to walk with the Spirit, the first thing I need to do is kill a zombie.

Psalm 16

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
I say to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you."

As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
in whom is all my delight.

The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.

The LORD is my chosen portion and my(G) cup;
you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

I bless the LORD who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
I have set the LORD always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your Holy One see decay.*

You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

*All ESV except this line, which is NIV, because that translation shows more clearly that this verse is prophecy - God will not abandon me to the grave, nor will he let his Holy One, Jesus Christ, see decay. And we know that Jesus Christ did not see decay, but was raised again on the third day! And because of his resurrection, I have confidence that I will not be abandoned to the grave! Hallelujah!


These days I find it so easy to rejoice and thank God for the beautiful "inheritance" he has given me - living in the heart of Chicago, a wonderful church, a good education, loving parents, friends who point me to Christ, and a wonderful, godly future husband. But I notice that the psalmist starts by enjoying his inheritance, to praising the Lord for his counsel, to rejoicing the promise of eternity! He starts talking about what is good, goes to what is better, then to what is best! And here I am, rejoicing in the good!

I have asked the Lord to help me get my priorities straight, for even though I truly find my "inheritance" delightful, that is the least of his blessings for me. I thank him though, that he uses these blessings to communicate with me, to draw me to himself. I am able to understand how very good the blessing of counsel is when I realize that it is better than what I am enjoying here and now in my life. And from that, he teaches me that eternity will be even better than that!

Feeling overwhelmed

2 weeks until all class stuff is over, 30 days until a break from work/research, 33 days until my family arrives, and 40 days until I get married. I have so much to do, even without good distractions like Josh and church, and my distractable, rebellious flesh is not helpful at this time either.

Also lately my heart seems simply unresponsive, cool and hard, during worship. I need to delight in God like I would a spring in the desert, but I can't seem to find it. Perhaps I am emotionally drained, perhaps I am self-sufficient and proud, perhaps I have forgotten the sweetness of repentance.

I know I need God, I ask him to help me in the midst of this, I ask him to teach me repentance, dependency, affection, and awe. I try to find my comfort and strength in him. I don't quite feel his presence, but I know he hears me. Little by little, I'm getting by. At the end of every day, every week, I marvel that I'm still going. I can't take credit for this, he must have hidden me beneath the shelter of his wing.

I tend to avoid Psalms because I don't understand it, because it's poetry and emotion, not necessarily law or promises (e.g. when it says "he heals all your diseases," I don't take that as a promise that my Crohn's disease is going away any time soon). I also don't get all the war talk, as Josh says, I don't understand guys. But considering the the unresponsiveness of my heart, I realized I need to see what affection, awe, repentance and dependency look like, feel like, how they play out in the heart. So Psalms it is. I try to read one around lunch time most days, and this is the one that I read today:

Psalm 3

Save Me, O My God

A Psalm of David, when he fled from Absalom his son.

O LORD, how many are my foes!
Many are rising against me;
many are saying of my soul,
there is no salvation for him in God.
Selah

But you, O LORD, are a shield about me,
my glory, and the lifter of my head.
I cried aloud to the LORD,
and he answered me from his holy hill.
Selah

I lay down and slept;
I woke again, for the LORD sustained me.
I will not be afraid of many thousands of people
who have set themselves against me all around.

Arise, O LORD!
Save me, O my God!
For you strike all my enemies on the cheek;
you break the teeth of the wicked.

Salvation belongs to the LORD;
your blessing be on your people!
Selah


So I don't have a son trying to kill me and take my throne, and thankfully, no one thinks my situation is inescapable (though it feels that way to me at times), and yet this psalm speaks exactly on how to deal with overwhelming circumstances.

I see my name in the promises to Abraham

Lord, I woke up with joy. Thank you. You are turning my world upside down. Thank you for another day to be alive, another day to be yours, another day closer to eternity. You give meaning to existence, to this whole world, to my small life. Without you, there is nothing. Yes, your goodness is such that, you could crush me, and it would be good. But you do not crush me, only press, and one day I will behold your glory, I will even witness it in myself, as I become who you made me to be, in the image of yourself. One day your glory, your love, you will captivate me completely, and I no longer to labor against my sin, like gravity. And why? But because of your glorious love, of course, and nothing less. You do not wink away sin, allowing my foolishness to reign, in gentleness you remind me, this world is not my home, this body is temporary, and your love, life in you, is better far than anything I could grasp with my own hands. Everything made by you and exhibits your glory. But when I seek goodness apart from you, even what you made turns to dust and ashes, meaningless, empty. And when I seek you, when I seek you, there is joy even in the waiting.

I would say that I hate this world, because in it I so easily lose sight of you. But really, it is my sin, like cataracts, clouding out truth, narrowing my vision. So when I run, I grow weary, I must advance my own cause and defend my own honor. I am so often immobilized by the competing impulses for comfort and glory.

Now that is a curious thing, yet it makes perfect sense. You, my Lord, are weird and clever, a paradox, and the only one who can satisfy these otherwise competing desires. I long for comfort and pleasure, in you I find rest and joy. I long for glory and significance, and you make me part of your great story, oh ancient of days, I see my name in the promises to Abraham. My only hope for fulfilling any longing is to lose them entirely in longing for you.